February tends to bring the worst out in me, mostly because of that smug little pseudo-holiday stuck in the middle of it, about which I complain on a regular basis. (See, for instance, Vent #136, back in 1999: "I never have had much use for this particular celebration, and it's not just because my mailbox is emptier than Charlie Brown's.") To get through the month, I generally have to buckle down and concentrate on, um, Other Things. Fortunately, the Internet is chock full of time sinks, and most of the time they do the trick.

Once in a while, however, events conspire to throw me for a loop. I got through the entire first season of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic without having to sit through a Valentine's Day-themed episode. The second season? Well, here's what's coming up on the 11th of February:

The Cutie Mark Crusaders create a strong love potion in the hopes of making Miss Cheerilee and Big Macintosh fall in love, but when they discover the serious side effects of their concoction, they quickly regret their actions.

"Hearts and Hooves Day," they call it. Confound these ponies! In some of us (and by "some of us" I mean "me") the connection between brain and heart is tenuous at best, and happening upon this episode description reminded me of all the time I've wasted on dating in the past decade and a half, which is essentially none. I muttered some unprintable stuff, and then the mind took off in another direction entirely: suppose just suppose I were to meet someone who possesses the characteristics of my favorite pony? These are, after all, archetypes of youngish women. (They can't be too old, inasmuch as both Applejack and Rarity have kid sisters, after a fashion.)

The brain shot that one down quickly enough: "You don't have a favorite pony. Now quit whining." Which led to the obvious question: "Why don't I have a favorite pony?" And then I wandered off into deepest Equestria, wondering which of the primary characters, translated into my own species, might be the most, um, date-able. (Please note that I am not considering going after actual ponies, or even simulated ones. I don't do furry, and whatever else you're thinking, don't even go there.) The descriptions to follow are swiped from the pertinent Wikipedia page.

Mane Six ponies in human form by ~Kreoss on deviantArtI went down the list, starting with Applejack, the pony who supposedly has the most in common with me. "Applejack is very dependable and down-to-earth, but also a little stubborn." Does indeed sound like me. Then again, what would I do with someone who sounds like me? (Then again, I don't think I'd mind being called "sugarcube.")

Okay, let's try Pinkie Pie, with whom I have the least in common: "very funny, talkative, a bit air-headed, and quite random at times." Hmmm. Perhaps I spoke too soon. Then again, she's the hardest for me to listen to, since she talks at a hundred miles a minute with gusts up to 160, and I couldn't possibly keep up with her, which I would find frustrating. Besides, I'm not much of a party animal.

In a different sort of way, I couldn't possibly keep up with Rainbow Dash, who is "very brave and bold, but also mischievous and proud, as well as sometimes being insensitive." Okay, "insensitive" is a good match. I think. But I suspect I fall short of her standards for coolness and/or awesomeness by at least 20 percent.

How about Rarity, then? "She considers herself a lady and often acts sophisticated. She can also be very dramatic, often when a disaster occurs to her." She is known for her generosity she'd give you the shirt off her back, and you can be certain that shirt is perfectly stitched and the decorative gems thereupon are in exactly the right place but me with a drama queen? The worst possible thing.

Fluttershy, maybe? "She is sweet and calm, but is timid and often very shy around others, though she can become forceful and assertive when pushed too far." Which doesn't even begin to describe The Stare, which seriously scares me.

Which brings us to Twilight Sparkle, who "studies extensively and takes an organized, analytical approach to solving problems. She also sometimes appears to have an insecure side in some of the episodes when it comes to fitting in." All the usual nerd-girl charms, with an overlay of OCD. We'd drive each other nuts in a matter of hours, and then she'd cross me off her checklist.

Results: 0 for 6. Maybe this wasn't the best idea I ever had. But few of us live in a place like Ponyville anyway, and besides, we're more closely aligned with rabbits and ducks; as the late Chuck Jones, whom the MLP:FIM production team has evidently studied carefully, used to say: "Bugs is who we want to be. Daffy is who we are." That is, if we're not Derpy.

(Ponies in humanized form by ~Kreoss on deviantArt; original here.)

The Vent

  1 February 2012

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 Copyright © 2012 by Charles G. Hill