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July 2002


Monday, 1 July 2002, 12:00 am

Susanna Cornett is in the mood for mockery, pointing to a copyright dispute over Mike Batt's One Minute Silence, which, says the publisher of John Cage's 1952 piano piece 4'33", is a ripoff thereof.

I suspect Cage, had he not died in 1992, might have laughed at this one himself. The point of 4'33" wasn't the silence at all: it was the sound of the rest of the world while it was, um, playing. As he explained:

"There's no such thing as silence. What they thought was silence because they didn't know how to listen, was full of accidental sounds. The wind was stirring outside during the first movement. During the second, raindrops began pattering the roof, and during the third the people themselves made all kinds of interesting sounds as they talked or walked out."

That's right: three movements. At its premiere, they ran, according to the program, 30 seconds, 2:23, and 1:40 respectively. I haven't heard Frank Zappa's recording (for the 1993 Cage tribute A Chance Operation on Koch International), but I suspect he stays pretty close to the composer's timings.

And to start off the new month, a new Vent: O Lord, don't bother buying me a Mercedes-Benz; it's just not the same anymore.

Monday, 1 July 2002, 3:10 pm

Julius Caesar Watts, who has represented Oklahoma's fourth Congressional district for eight years two longer than he'd indicated when he took the office, but it hardly matters now has officially announced that he won't seek a fifth term, which probably isn't good news for the GOP but isn't necessarily bad news either, state Democrats being fractious as ever and having to deal with a serious shortage of viable candidates. Watts said he was interested in spending more time with his family, but it's no secret that he thought he was getting relatively short shrift from the Republican establishment.

What are the chances that the Democrats will pick up this seat in the fall? Next to nil. About the same as they would have been had Watts run for another term, in fact.

Technical note: The comments are working well, but if you have the "Open links in new window?" box checked, the comments still pop up, albeit behind the new window. I'm going to have to play with these scripts a little longer, it appears.

>Comment from Timekeeper:
From what I have seen, he was interested in the Majority Leader position until he realized that Tom DeLay had enough votes. It's a shame, because DeLay is a prime example of the image problems tha the GOP has with voters. Most of the party is not as fire-and-brimstone as he, yet he is held up as an exemplar of the party.

Watts, of course, being black (and still consrvative) was a perfect fit to blunt the sharper voices in the caucus. Hopefully, one of the names floating around as a possible replacement will get the nod, Deborah Pryce of Ohio.

>Comment from Chaz:
Pryce is good. And should she ascend to the position, it's another kick to the Democrats' persistent whine about how the GOP is dominated by old white guys.

Monday, 1 July 2002, 8:15 pm

Some of us here in Soonerland have been known to mutter in disgust that the unofficial state motto is "If You Don't Like It You Should Just Move". I've never quite been entirely comfortable with that stance, if only because it bespeaks a level of defeatism beyond even my own. Do other areas suffer from this sort of thinking? Dave Copeland in Pittsburgh says he's surrounded by it.

Incidentally, Copeland links to this story in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, which contains the startling news that " [is] an online publication popular with the 'creative class.'" Were I to judge purely by their bottom line, isn't popular with anyone these days.

Tuesday, 2 July 2002, 2:40 pm

Moira Breen, contemplating a future with vouchers:

"In the abstract I am highly sympathetic to an anti-voucher position. I think it's a crying shame that this country does not or cannot provide a good education at everyone's neighborhood public school, with competitive, first-rate specialized high schools for superior students. But I can't help but believe that the most vociferous voucher opponents are the same people who have been working steadily to dumb down and trivialize the public school curriculum, and to weaken the institutional authority and discipline that are necessary for student achievement."

No argument from me. Were the public schools doing the job they're supposed to be doing, you'd never have heard the word "voucher" in this context; proper libertarians would question why we have taxpayer-supported schools in the first place, of course, but they would be getting the voice-crying-in-the-wilderness treatment. The educational establishment, it seems clear, brought this on itself through a mixture of indifference and malfeasance.

Tuesday, 2 July 2002, 7:10 pm

The shakeout continues: my local ISP cut one of its two local access numbers today, presumably due to declining business. And no, I haven't migrated to broadband yet. Most of what I do online blogging, chattage, email isn't greatly enhanced by higher speeds; there is no benefit, for instance, to downloading Klez crap eight times faster. Local dialups, though, are becoming so erratic that I may have to switch to cable, just to keep from tearing out what remains of my hair. (Forget DSL; I'm 18,500 feet from the central office. Unless they're going to give me half-price for half-speed, I'm not interested.)

>Comment from DavidMSC:
Broadband! Broadband! Broadband! You won't regret it. :-)

>Comment from Chaz:
Yeah, it will be nice to be able to get the front page of PejmanPundit on the same day. :)

Wednesday, 3 July 2002, 7:30 am

The man they call The Dodd has had it up to here with some of the delusions exhibited by leftists of his acquaintance. A sample:

"[A]s a person who has been active in GOP politics for almost 20 years I can absolutely guarantee you that I know far more real-life Christian conservatives than you do. Note also that I am not one of them. Some of the ones I know are vaguely similar to your grotesque caricatures. Most are so distant from the image of them that you so repetitively describe to me that I have to remind myself who you think you're talking about."

The percentage of individuals which resemble said grotesque caricatures is higher here in Oklahoma, but not that much higher.

Wednesday, 3 July 2002, 8:00 pm

The ongoing Chinese fire drill at 42nd and Treadmill will have to take place without me for the next three weeks, and it's just as well, since the collective IQ around there is dropping faster than the NASDAQ. Even I, the soul of sanity, committed a low-level gaffe, which resulted in about two and a half minutes of extra work. (The corporate standard for screwups, freshened and revised as of this morning, is about five and a half hours; obviously this is why some people not I, of course get the Big Bucks.)

But enough about that. You can no more fix 42nd and Treadmill (without tactical nuclear devices, that is) than you can eliminate junk email.

>Comment from DavidMSC:
When exactly are you leaving? More importantly, when will you be back?

>Comment from Chaz:
I hit the road this weekend, and stay there at least 19 days.

Thursday, 4 July 2002, 5:00 am

Not to underestimate the considerable accomplishments of the United States of America or anything, but today I celebrate the birth of my son Russell, who is now twenty-one years of age, one of the nation's most important Arbitrary Milestones. Why "arbitrary"? The government had no problem with his getting married at nineteen, but they would have raised unholy hell had he decided to toast the occasion with a bottle of bubbly.

There is no shortage of whining kvetches to tell me how horrible teenage drinking can be having hoisted a few in my younger days myself, I hardly need to hear their tales of woe but it is important to remember that this cutoff point is placed where it is, not because Something Magical occurs on one's twenty-first birthday, but because the government in its wisdom, aided and abetted by the aforementioned whining kvetches, basically pulled a number out of its shorts and said "Go thou and obey." You can't get much more arbitrary than that.

Thursday, 4 July 2002, 11:00 am

J Bowen at No Watermelons Allowed has more evidence for the notion that environmentalists are interested in the environment only peripherally; what they really want is to expand governmental power (and, I suspect, to enjoy a piece of it for themselves). For example:

"What usually happens when electricity, gasoline, natural gas or other prices rise? The lefties start bitching about cartels, capitalism, exploitation...the same tired BS we've been hearing for years. There's never a legitimate reason for a price hike. Yet they would have us use less of these commodities to minimize our impact on the environment. How to do this? Allocation via rationing or by prices. Nobody likes rationing, and lefties don't like it because then the govt gets the blame it so richly deserves. So it'll have to be price increases. But lefties can't tolerate higher prices unless the extra revenue is soaked up by the govt. Hence the left's push for carbon taxes - they're willing to sell out the consumers to increase prices if it means enlarging the govt."

What precisely is a carbon tax? I happened upon something called the Global Policy Forum, which states:

"Free, unfettered markets are unable to incorporate all of the relevant social costs of economic activity, including damage to the climate system from carbon dioxide emissions. Thus, the goal of carbon tax (and all environmental tax) policy is to correct market failures by internalizing economic externalities, enabling the price of goods and services to reflect full social and environmental costs. Carbon taxes make the greatest sense economically and environmentally because they tax the externality - carbon emissions - directly. Coal generates the greatest amount of carbon emissions (.30 tons/million Btu) and would therefore be taxed in greater proportion than oil and natural gas, which have lower carbon concentrations (.24 and .16 tons of carbon/million Btu respectively)."

Damn those "free, unfettered markets" anyway; they're ignoring our agenda! How dare they?

If this piece is at all representative of the push for such things, then Mr Bowen clearly has nailed it. The prices of everything will rise, but that's okay because it's taxation; none of this money is going to the forces of evil who actually produce, y'know, energy. Good little citizens of the world, we're not bright enough to make decisions for ourselves based upon price and availability, which is why we need the Global Policy Forum and its friends to make these decisions for us.

Perhaps needless to say, this blither is getting much more play in the European Union than it is here; I swear, they must have a Select Committee somewhere whose sole function is to come up with ludicrous schemes for screwing up the world economy. I fart in their general direction, and I leave it to the Committee to determine the methane content and the tax thereupon.

Oh, and in the best of all possible worlds, the death penalty could be assessed for coming up with phrases like "internalizing economic externalities".

Thursday, 4 July 2002, 4:00 pm

Yeah, I know, you guys get sick of my constantly harping on the music industry, but I have a day off and an easy target is always welcome.

The ever-alert Doc Searls passes on this link to a piece in Performing Songwriter magazine written by Janis Ian. Yes, that Janis Ian. And she's lost none of her edge since "Society's Child":

"[I]n 37 years as a recording artist, I've created 25+ albums for major labels, and I've never once received a royalty check that didn't show I owed them money. So I make the bulk of my living from live touring, playing for 80-1500 people a night, doing my own show. I spend hours each week doing press, writing articles, making sure my website tour information is up to date. Why? Because all of that gives me exposure to an audience that might not come otherwise. So when someone writes and tells me they came to my show because they'd downloaded a song and gotten curious, I am thrilled! Who gets hurt by free downloads? Save a handful of super-successes like Celine Dion, none of us. We only get helped."

And almost every independent artist, from my old friend Carolyne Mas to our local blues legends Pinkie and the SnakeShakers will tell you exactly the same story: the Net is good for them. The Big Five, however, have more interest in preserving the cash flow from Celine Dion and the like. The sooner they get dispatched to Shady Acres, the better.

>Comment from DavidMSC:
Sorta begs the question: why would any hungry new artists even sign a contract with a major label nowadays?

>Comment from Chaz:
Because they haven't lived through this sort of thing yet and still dream of having P. Diddy levels of cash.

Thursday, 4 July 2002, 4:30 pm

Yes, I'm a sucker for a really silly test. So sue me.

Dmitri ShostakovichIf I were a Dead Russian Composer, I would be Dmitri Shostakovich!

I am a shy, nervous, unassuming, fidgety, and stuttery little person who began composing the same year I started music lessons of any sort. I wrote the first of my fifteen symphonies at age 18, and my second opera, "Lady Macbeth of the Mtsensk District," when I was only 26. Unfortunately, Stalin hated the opera, and put me on the Enemy Of The People List for life. I nevertheless kept composing the works I wanted to write in private; some of my vocal cycles and 15 string quartets mock the Soviet System in notes. And I somehow was NOT killed in the process! And Harry Potter© stole my glasses and broke them!

Who would you be? Dead Russian Composer Personality Test

(Muchas gracias: Joanne, Jacobs.)

Update 6:45 pm: She Who Must Not Be Named turns out to be Stravinsky, which fits better than I might have thought.

>Comment from okuturn:
Igor Stravinsky here

>Comment from Chaz:
Go listen to The Rite of Spring. It fits.

Friday, 5 July 2002, 9:00 am

Jim Henley offers the following take on the occasional charges of "anti-Americanism" leveled against the left:

"[W]hile the right's models tend to come from an idealized version of the American past, the left's tend to be the present or future of other countries, whether from Europe or the Third World. From the 'Progressive' infatuation with Prussian bureaucracy at the end of the 19th century through the successive enthusiasms for Stalin, Mao, Fidel, Ho and Danny Ortega (with the EU in the 'repeating as farce' role), an important and often dominant strain of left-wing rhetoric has been, 'We need to be less like ourselves and more like these other people.'"

Which would explain much about the current calls for, and catcalls against, that nebulous business of multiculturalism. The left feels we have much to learn from other cultures; the right insists that they have to learn ours first. Those of us in the middle would just as soon blow off the whole matter; yes, we embrace diversity, but dammit, we have work to do already.

Friday, 5 July 2002, 10:00 am

Now this is interesting. The Hacktivismo unit of the fabled Cult of the Dead Cow is working on a browser device that would enable text to be hidden inside graphics files on Web sites. The product, dubbed "Camera/Shy", is intended to circumvent official government censorship relying on filters to spot "offending" text strings. "A discussion of human rights could be carried out under the noses of administrators and moderators on an approved Chinese BBS, for example," reports The Register. In the US, where you can say pretty much anything you want that doesn't make fun of airport security in situ or that doesn't run afoul of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, there are fewer Thought Police at least, we think there are fewer Thought Police but there will undoubtedly be instances where Camera/Shy proves useful. The final version is due out next weekend.

Friday, 5 July 2002, 2:40 pm

Things I Didn't Even Think About Dept.: If you're a Webmaster for the University of Oklahoma, which has dozens of individual departmental sites, you are, per the official style guide, requested to refrain from using orange in your designs. The reason? "Orange is the official color of both Oklahoma State University and the University of Texas." The enemy, in other words. I'm not up to the task of Googling the domain for telltale signs of "#FF9900", but the Oklahoma Gazette's Chicken-Fried News section, whence came this story, probably is.

>Comment from Quana:
BURNT orange! What an evil color. Blech.

>Comment from Chaz:
I'm old enough to remember when Austin street signs were orange with white lettering, but apparently I was young enough to think it was faintly exotic.

Friday, 5 July 2002, 9:30 pm

Who made the dumbest assertion this week? Robert Fisk? John Pilger? For my money, the dumbest thing said in quite some time was the following statement by Clear Channel minion Steve Smith, appearing in Entertainment Weekly:

"Radio is categorized, and it ought to be. Only a slim number of people whould like to hear Ja Rule, Rusted Root, Barry Manilow, and Dwight Yoakam on the same radio station. If you are actually looking for a station that will play Norah Jones, B-Tribe, Net Otter, etc., then look for your closest college radio station. Give them a good listen. I guarantee you that after 30 minutes of pure hell, you will switch back to a Clear Channel Radio station because we play the hits."

"Hits", I assume, is an anagram.

>Comment from Old Grouch:
Gaaah! That corporation deserves to die, except death'd be too good for it.

>Comment from Chaz:
Well, if it's slow and painful, it might be worth watching.

Saturday, 6 July 2002, 11:00 am

The World Tour is upon us.

In something less than twenty-four hours from now, Your Humble Scribe will load a fraction of his worldly possessions and most of his vaguely-acceptable clothing into an innocuous-looking sedan and sally forth, or seventh, or something, to begin the second annual installment of One Lap of Nowhere In Particular.

Last year, this little Sunday drive ran 4,444 miles. This year's model will touch down at a couple of the same locations, but the route is utterly different. As before, part of the Tour is intended to give me a look at places I have never before seen, which is why the early segments are routed through Kentucky, a state of natural wonders of surpassing beauty (the Land Between The Lakes, Mammoth Cave, Susanna Cornett) that somehow has managed to escape my notice for half a century or so. There's obviously no way I can see all of it in half a week, but there's also obviously no way I'm going to slide through on Interstate 64 with the delusion that I've seen anything.

Eventually I will wind up in central New Jersey, where I partied last year. Instead of turning southward, though, I'm heading into New England for a few days, partially to see where I did some serious bicycling in my younger days, and maybe to check in with some old friends if situations permit. I'll come back westward through New York State and duck around the Great Lakes, though the exact route of said ducking depends on timing and the mood of the Canadian border patrol.

As per last year's practice, updates will be written daily and posted when the logistics permit. Also as per last year's practice, most of my email will go unread until I return; if you absolutely, positively have to send me something, post it to roadhog at dustbury dot com, which will be monitored daily. (Other mail to the domain goes into the sluice pile, awaiting the editor's delete key.)

Almost everyone to whom I have described this trip reacts with "What are you, nuts?" Then a sigh, and "Gee, I wish I could do that." Actually, you probably can. It's strenuous, sort of, but getting away from it all, or at least from a lot of it, is something you must do on occasion or risk going completely bananas. The downside is relatively minor: there is the expense, yes, though last year's came in comfortably under $2000, and gas prices haven't gone up. And if you're the sort of person who would scold me for all this fossil fuel usage, hold your breath. It's just full of carbon dioxide.

Normalcy, and I use the term loosely, returns approximately 28 July.

>Comment from DavidMSC:
Fare thee well, Charles--may your journey be safe & enjoyable! Looking forward to your on-the-road dispatches.

>Comment from Chaz:
I hope I can still type after holding the wheel all day. :)

>Comment from fredf:
My son did something similar, with identical comments of ridicule followed by envy. Except he did not have the good sense to take a car...walked back roads from Maine to Virginia. The slower you go, the more you see. Drive slowly.

Saturday, 6 July 2002, 3:10 pm

A couple of years ago the ninth of June, 2000, to be exact I closed The Vent #200 with the following sentence:

"I hope I come up with something less lame to celebrate #300 (which should be some time in the summer of 2002)."

Well, at least I hope it's less lame.

Sunday, 7 July 2002, 8:00 pm

Jonesboro, Arkansas 519.7 miles

In general, about everything I could do today I screwed up, but the old survival instincts still sort of work.

Normally I scorn online map services, since they inevitably tell you to stick to the Interstates, which makes for a drab sort of trip. Yahoo! says I-40 past Little Rock and then turn northward. I-40 being blah on its best day, which wasn't today what with the bridge out at Webbers Falls for the next few months, I left it near Henryetta with the intention of following US 62 through northern Arkansas and then turning south on US 63. Had I actually done this, I would have come in two hours and eighty or ninety miles earlier.

Cue the late John Belushi: "But NOOOOOOOOOOOOO......!"

Somewhere east of Fayetteville, I got onto Arkansas 16, which is a crazed roller-coaster of a road which goes nowhere in particular and takes its sweet time doing it. (Imagine the fabled Arkansas 7, a road much revered by auto enthusiasts. Now imagine it with no turnoffs for little shops and no traffic.) I dawdled at high speed on 16 all the way to well, Arkansas 7, which I followed back north to Harrison to get back on US 62. Props to "Hits 96" radio in Harrison for providing the soundtrack for my descent of 7's infamous seven-percent grade: "Don't Fear the Reaper".

After that, things were both anticlimactic and tedious. It took a good 10½ hours to get to this teensy little inn. Wish I could sleep 10½ hours.

>Comment from Vickie C.:
hmmm...519+ miles in the same amount of time I take to travel same number of miles from CT to OH...however, my route is a straight shot usually handled at (I thought) lightning speed. Given your detours, I'm wondering if any sonic booms were heard by nearby residents.

>Comment from Chaz:
8:40 am to 7:10 pm is precisely 10:30, and there was no time-zone change involved, so I can only conclude that I was making really good time while I was going nowhere. Peak speed that I can remember (and I don't stare at the speedo if I can help it) was 84 mph, but this was only briefly. I think.

Monday, 8 July 2002, 5:35 pm

Bowling Green, Kentucky 872.5 miles

The Missouri bootheel, or at least the part one can see from US 412, is an intensely depressing place, but it was unavoidable today; there can be only so many bridges across the Mississippi river, and I was in no mood to drive down to Memphis or up to St Louis. Things perked up once I got into Tennessee, though I couldn't tell you whether it was because the roads were better, because there was corn planted instead of cotton and rice and Chevy parts, or because I was just happy to be out of there.

Scene: The year 20xx. Grandchild, brandishing a map, wanders over to my desk. "Mom says you know everything."

"Well, that's not quite true. I don't know everything. Of course, there's the question of whether something I don't know is worth knowing in the first place."

The child is not amused, and points to the map. "How come there's this little bitty piece of Kentucky that's not connected to the rest of the state? It doesn't look like an island or anything."

"Been there, seen that."

"Oh, you have not," Mom throws in from the kitchen.

Well, actually, yes, I have. Not that either Kentucky or Tennessee makes it easy to find; I had to exit Tennessee 78 to some obscure county road which connects to some other obscure county road (they're obscure to Messrs. Rand and McNally, anyway) and thread my way past a prison that's not on the map either. The state line is actually marked, and the paving method is markedly different on the Kentucky side, but it's still rural farmland, and having estimated the bullet-holes-to-traffic-sign ratio at about 12 to 1, I didn't hang around long enough to interview any of the residents.

As I understand things, Tennessee and Kentucky had agreed on a border before the surveying was complete and had had no reason to expect something like this. There was some squabbling once the truth of the matter was established, but I can certainly understand it if the warring parties inspected the parcel of land in question and said, "Aw, screw it."

To get across the lakes that define the Land Between the Lakes, one must traverse a couple of 70-year-old two-lane (1.7-lane, if you ask me) bridges. The powers that be want to replace them; the usual suspects object. Some things never change.

I also got a dose of that cold Kentucky rain, the most concentrated delivery being right at the moment I was climbing onto I-65 for a two-mile shot to my hotel room. There are few things in life quite as wonderful as driving blind on an unfamiliar road through a construction zone filled with 18-wheelers. At least, I hope there are few such things.

And I wondered if maybe they'd named a street at the Corvette assembly plant after legendary engineer (and thorn in the corporate side) Zora Arkus-Duntov. They had.

Tuesday, 9 July 2002, 6:00 pm (Eastern)

Winchester, Kentucky 1197.7 miles

A correction from yesterday: The street that is actually signed Duntov Way is not on the GM Assembly Plant grounds, but on the grounds of the adjacent National Corvette Museum. (I didn't get to take the plant tour; the annual model-year shutdown began, um, yesterday.)

If you did the math, you're wondering how anyone other than a cab driver from the city of New York could possibly take 325 miles to get from Bowling Green to Winchester, a distance barely 200 miles even if you follow the dubious advice of Yahoo! and go through both Louisville and Lexington in the process. You have, however, reckoned without my uncanny ability to size up a complicated intersection in milliseconds and take the worst possible choice.

The first part was easy: an 88-mile drift down the Cumberland Parkway, a road with little traffic, lots of scenery, and a two-dollar toll, collected in three unequal increments. This road inexplicably ends, not at I-75, but at US 27 in Somerset, and I dropped down 27 far enough to find myself hopelessly mired in construction woes. I took the nearest road off, ducked down a side road, and after about 22 miles, found myself out of pavement and out of clues. (Mental note for future reference: There is a reason some Kentucky highways have four-digit numbers, and it's not to imply that they are important.) After rethreading myself, I got into the town of London, where I saw a fistful of sights and took the wrong turn at a downtown intersection marked for easy visibility if there are no trucks around. Be it noted that in Kentucky, this is never the case. So I plunged down US 25 toward the Tennessee line, took the eastern fork where it split, and came back north on Kentucky 11, where I had a revelation about Ashley Judd and why she married that Italian race-car driver: yeah, he's cute, and yeah, he's bucks-up, but the most important thing is that after years on the circuit, doing the most extreme driving possible, he can now handle Kentucky backroads.

On the other hand, you gotta love a road where speeding is academic: 11 is posted 55, except during sharp turns, which turn up roughly every 600 yards. (If there's a straightaway greater than a car length anywhere on 11 between US 25E and Kentucky 80, I missed it.) It's like God dumped a whole load of used ribbon on eastern Kentucky, letting it fall where it may, and then commanding: "Here thou shalt pave." After 25 years around Oklahoma City, which is laid out like a waffle iron, this was something of a challenge, and dammit, I wasn't going to look bad in front of the locals. And I never, ever lost it. Don't ask me how. But in the future, curves that are posted at 25 that I used to take at 35, I am going to assume I can take at 50.

All this and 30 mpg. When natural resources are underground, somebody has to dig them out, and it costs a lot more to conceal the deed; some parts of eastern Kentucky reflect that unpleasant fact, but the rest of us owe the residents our thanks for doing the deed, and I'll sing a chorus of "My Old Kentucky Home" tonight before I cut loose for West Virginia in the morning. And by the way, Neil Diamond was right about the women, at least the bit about shining with their own kind of light. (I expressly disclaim any knowledge beyond that.)

>Comment from Leslie:
I hope you also turned off the cell phone.

>Comment from wamprat:
Sure would like to talk to you; you won't *believe* what's happened here.

>Comment from susanna:
Oh my goodness, are you in my neck of the woods or what! LOLOL! I grew up just 17 miles east of London, and drove the roads you talk about from the time I was 16. That's my country. I'm rolling, here. And btw, I went to school in Bowling Green, worked in Somerset and lived in Lexington too. You shoulda called me for directions.
Hope you're having fun. Did you say you were coming through NJ eventually?

>Comment from Chaz:
Actually, cell service vanished somewhere east of Lexington; I haven't had so much as one lowly bar of Powertel all day. This is not prime GSM territory.

And if I'd have called for directions, I'd (1) have violated the Sacred Man Oath (section XI, paragraph 3, subparagraph C) and (2) have wound up having a lot less to write about.

>Comment from Chaz:
I arrive in Joisey Friday afternoon, and move on to Connecticut on Sunday morning, for those keeping score.

Wednesday, 10 July 2002, 5:00 pm

Fairmont, West Virginia 1496.5 miles

West Virginia is a small state, located between the 19th and 22nd centuries. It is just smack-dab full of government projects, some of which are not named after Robert C. Byrd. The license plates say "Wild" and "Wonderful", and there is little reason to doubt them. Besides, it's better than having a URL on one's plate, as in some state I could name.

How West Virginia looks is wildly variable. The first few dozen miles of I-79 north of Charleston are spectacular. Up in the populated areas, north of Clarksburg, it's, um, less so, though it's not to the point where you can look off the edge of the pavement and intone solemnly, "Jed, move away from there!"

There is a Chicago extended suite called Ballet for a Girl in Buchannon, off their second album, from which two singles were plucked ("Make Me Smile" and "Colour My World"). An instrumental section therein is titled "West Virginia Fantasies". There was a town called Buckhannon on the way, sort of, but I decided I was probably better off not knowing what induces fantasies in a band like Chicago.

Neither goodmont nor poormont, Fairmont is best known for being the hometown of Mary Lou Retton, and for having an airport that almost fits into the hotel parking lot across the street.

>Comment from DavidMSC:
(((shudder))) Sorry, Charles, but even your description isn't enough to shake the stereotypical mental picture of "West Virginia" in my mind... Keep on truckin!

>Comment from Dave Burch:
Charles, While in high school in the early 70s, I was arranger and trombonist for a garage band that played mostly Chicago tunes. However, I didn't notice until reading your journal that 'Buckhannon' was misspelled when the band titled their piece. I always had been faintly disturbed by the recognition that 'Buchannon' couldn't be right. Thanks. Now I can get on with my life.

>Comment from Chaz:
Since Chicago has never been noted for its spontaneity, I'd always figured that the misspelling was deliberate, but what do I know? (This is either Question 67 or 68.)

Thursday, 11 July 2002, 5:00 pm

Aberdeen, Maryland 1793.3 miles

After yesterday, I was prepared to write off that whole "Almost Heaven" business. But this morning in West Virginia, 60 degrees and only the slightest bit of haze over the mountains, was a reasonable approximation to the divine. I think. And things didn't change much as I slid into Maryland, except for the fact that the speed limit drops from 70 to 65 mph not to mention the large number of state employees with light bars on their Crown Victorias who are there to remind you of this fact.

Some of the denizens of my chat haunt find the very existence of Cockeysville, Maryland to be risible, so I set off to see if it was a laughing matter. In sober fact, it looks pretty much like all the other suburbs in the north end of Baltimore County, and distinguishing one from another requires someone with a firm grounding in the terrain thereof.

Most of your Chamber of Commerce-y tourist handouts are pretty interchangeable. I found one that was different: it's called From Lockhouse to Lighthouse, and it's billed as "A Daytripper's Guide to Havre de Grace". The reason why it's different, I think, is that it's mostly the work of one person: editor/publisher/ad seller Ellie Mencer. None of the usual let's-filter-it-through-the-committee stuff; Ms Mencer is crazy about her town, and it shows. I hope the inevitable Web site doesn't lose anything in translation; if she farms the job out to someone, there's the risk it will be someone who got a good reason for taking the easy way out.

Two words anent I-95: "Why me?"

Friday, 12 July 2002, 6:00 pm

Jamesburg, New Jersey 1976.0 miles

The discerning reader will note that the same trip last year took one less day and 300 fewer miles, and will not be surprised at so noting.

My sister Brenda was born in 1955 in Port Deposit, Maryland. Except that she wasn't. In fact, she was born at the U.S. Naval Hospital at the now-defunct Bainbridge Naval Training Center, just outside of town. And "now-defunct" is something of an understatement; for the past quarter-century the facility has been left to deteriorate and decay. The first order of business this morning, therefore, was to visit Port Deposit, see if I can remember anything at all from this period (which seems unlikely, since we left before I turned three), and see if I have any emotional connection to the place.

Maybe I do. The approach from Maryland 222 heading northward involves another steep grade, on the level (so to speak) of eight percent, and for some reason it seemed familiar. Obviously I've never driven this road before, yet something about it I've seen. A film shot on location here? The main thoroughfare through Port Deposit, were it not for things like pavement, is almost purely 18th-century and could have been pressed into use. I am not about to believe that I remembered all this from 1955, or that I was here in some anomalous "previous life", but surely something is pushing the right buttons.

And there's one other appealing aspect to the place besides the historical references: the Cecil County newspaper is called the Whig.

I did manage to avoid the New Jersey Turnpike altogether, though I still had to shell out $4.25 in tolls today; a quarter to cross the Delaware River on US 202, and a staggering $4.00 to cross the Susquehanna north of Havre de Grace, Maryland. Total for the trip is now $6.25, but it's bound to go up as I attempt to avoid New York City.

Saturday, 13 July 2002, 3:15 pm

Still in New Jersey

No actual driving today, so there isn't a great deal to report. It is worth mentioning, however, that (1) my singing voice still sucks and (2) the hotel is on some environmental program which suggests not laundering sheets and towels every single day, which given the dearth of rainfall up here is probably understandable but which some customers are likely to find offputting. Me, I shrug. About the laundry, I mean.

Tomorrow, I brave the wilderness of Connecticut, but to do that, I must first survive the hazards of New York.

Sunday, 14 July 2002, 7:30 pm

Waterbury, Connecticut 2184.4 miles

Things began to happen right after yesterday's update. Go figure.

It began about an hour before sundown, when about seventeen of us loaded into various vehicles and set out for a locally-famous (I am assured) restaurant with Karaoke Night on Saturdays, a reservation made for us by one of our legendary party planners. Not that any of us can sing, with one notable exception (no, not I), but the spirit of What The Hell was running high and would not be dampened.

Until, of course, our little convoy actually arrived and found the place shuttered for what apparently was some sort of code violation. Which, of course, leads to the question: Where can a party of seventeen go for dinner on a Saturday night? We (excluding me, since I know from nothing about restaurants in New Jersey) put our collective heads together, and a Great Truth was revealed: Knowing someone on a restaurant staff gets faster results than the Concierge service built into the Comand system in an E-class Mercedes-Benz. At least, it did last night. There was no vocalizing, but we did put away about $650 worth of food.

Speaking of food, I had lunch today with blogger Susanna Cornett at a diner in East Newark. Now if "East Newark" strikes your brain cells with exactly the same impact as, say, "Calcutta Heights", well, there's more to a community than whether it gets a feature section in Architectural Digest. As for the lady herself, she is an intriguing mixture of Southern charm (see earlier references to Kentucky women) and the don't-mess-with-me attitude that presumably comes from living around New York City, which virtually guaranteed a splendid time for all I managed to suppress Klutz Mode with incredible precision for once and after last night, it was nice to have a huge lunch for not much over ten bucks.

And that New York groove was compelling enough for me to make yet another side trip. "Let me understand this," said a voice from somewhere in the future. "You went out of your way to visit the most isolated part of Kentucky, yet you missed the biggest city of them all?" So after I'd crossed the Tappan Zee bridge, I turned back southward towards the Big Apple. I can truthfully report having spent time in two of the five boroughs: Queens (changing planes at JFK, 1975), and now the Bronx. I'm sure there's a reason why it's the Bronx, although I admit to spending more time looking at the exit for the Throgs Neck Bridge and wondering just who the hell was Throg. Actually, I got to spend a lot of time looking at signs, what with the usual traffic congestion exacerbated by construction here and there. And I executed a fair number of what I would normally consider to be startling moves in traffic, operating under the assumption that New Yorkers wouldn't care what kind of crap I pulled so long as I didn't inconvenience them in so doing. From the absence of horns sounded in anger rather than sorrow (and with WQXR on the radio, I'd have heard them had they been sounded), I must conclude I was right.

Which brings me to Waterbury, Connecticut, where this hotel is right in the middle of downtown and right in the middle of Serious Reconstruction. A perfect time to put down the keyboard and relax, since so far the only thing I can report about Connecticut is that I paid more for gas here than anywhere else so far.

Toll report: New Jersey Turnpike, $2.45; Garden State Parkway, $1.05; Tappan Zee bridge, $3.00; New York State Thruway, $2.00; total for today $8.50; total so far $14.75.

Monday, 15 July 2002, 5:30 pm

Still in Connecticut

It was 1973. After not quite a year of Army green, I had already been recommended for the rank of Specialist Four (translation: a Corporal without the clout), and I was stationed at Fort Devens, Massachusetts. This was my first, and until this week only, exposure to New England. Not having wheels of my own and being legally unable to drive anyway it's a long story, don't ask I took the bus up to Fitchburg and rode back to the barracks on a shiny new Schwinn. In retrospect, this seems like madness: Fitchburg and the surrounding area were, and are, about as flat as Gina Lollobrigida, and weirdly enough, there seemed to be about six times more uphill than downhill. But for a kid like me who had once ridden up Austin's Mount Bonnell at the stroke of midnight and then laughed maniacally during the two-mile descent, this was very much in character.

I got to experience some of that up-and-down stuff today on four wheels, and it's still disconcerting. On the other hand, after twenty-five or so years on the Lone Prairie, "disconcerting" is practically a virtue. I could really get to like this place if I had the chance. Of course, I won't.

Tuesday, 16 July 2002, 2:10 pm

Concord, New Hampshire 2431.1 miles

She Who Is Not To Be Named is occasionally to be quoted, and she contends that I-84 sucks. One of these days she might actually be wrong about something, but I'm not holding my breath.

There's a Burger King up in Methuen, Massachusetts with a fountain worthy of an upscale hotel and an array of traditional game machines. I passed by Pac-Man and his friends and, in remembrance of times past, took on a pinball table called "World Cup '94". (Ever since I was a young boy...but you know the drill.) I am pleased to report that, despite not having exercised the crazy flipping fingers for nearly a decade, I was able to beat the machine out of a freebie.

This is the eastern terminus for World Tour 2002; tomorrow I start heading back westward. In the meantime, I plan to enjoy some of this cool New England weather (it's 75 degrees as I type) and visit the legendary Mike B. up by the lake.

Toll report: Massachusetts Turnpike, 50 cents; total so far $15.25.

Wednesday, 17 July 2002, 7:15 pm

Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania 2862.7 miles

Last night on the way back from Mike's, I was coasting down New Hampshire 106 and I don't know about the rest of you, but I think it's spiffy that the Granite State's route signs incorporate The Great Stone Face and I realized that one of the things missing from my life, besides true love, peace of mind and huge sacks of cash, was trees. After all this time in Oklahoma, I'd practically forgotten what a forest looked like, and I never quite realized how much I missed them.

Which led me to a decision, sort of. Official retirement age will probably keep increasing while I keep working, and it's entirely possible (maybe even likely) that I won't live long enough to be able to turn my back on office space forever. But dammit, if I survive into those putatively golden years, I'm pulling up my stakes and heading for a place where a tree is more than just something you move out of the way before the landscapers arrive, and that means, like as not, a place where the ZIP code starts with 0. Maybe 1. (I'd consider a very low 2, but that's it.) Yes, I know, I hate winter, and winters up here are fierce. But if I don't have to drive to work in it, I don't care.

Meanwhile, here I am in Wilkes-Barre (18702), named for Ashley Wilkes, Scarlett O'Hara's feckless first love (have you ever heard anyone described as "feckful"?), and Barry Gibb, a minor Australian deity worshipped by a small cult near the Delaware River.

Today in Hagar the Horrible, the kids get all the lines:

Hernia: "Hamlet, will you marry me!"
Hamlet: "We're only ten years old, Hernia! Why can't we wait until we're eighteen?"
Hernia: "I'm going to be so beautiful by then that this might be your last chance!"

She Who Must Not Be Named, though she passed the age of eighteen, um, some years ago, can undoubtedly relate, and I suspect the characteristic may be heritable.

Thursday, 18 July 2002, 7:30 pm

Brunswick, Ohio 3224.9 miles

The idea was to avoid retracing last year's steps, but when the quickest route winds up being a duplicate, ideological purism goes out the door. I stayed at this very hotel during the Cleveland segment of last year's World Tour, and for some reason, I don't remember it not having an elevator, but that's not something which will cost me sleep. (And it's a pretty decent inn, all things considered, though you have to look close to discern that it's a Hare Krishna operation. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

I was warned beforehand that I-80 was boring, and with the exception of the time when someone took a curve too fast and wound up with a C-Haul trailer (imagine 90 degrees rotation if this makes no sense otherwise), it lived up to its billing. On the other hand, dullness is good for fuel economy; I scored 31.5 mpg on this tank, the highest of the tour so far.

Toll report: Ohio Turnpike, $2.20; total so far $17.45.

>Comment from Timekeeper:
In what way is a Hare Krishna establishment different from any other? I was not aware that the Krishnas ran hotels.

>Comment from Chaz:
The only way you'd know was to see the name of the owner (Radha Krsna Enterprises, or something such) on the back wall behind the front desk. It's just like any other hotel otherwise; apparently they run this inn as an investment. Certainly there was no hint that any of the staff were believers.

Friday, 19 July 2002, 4:30 pm (Central)

Lake Bluff, Illinois 3617.0 miles

Half the day was spent on toll roads, in the general belief that they would speed the process of getting from Point A to Point Z on a day when I really wasn't in any mood to see Points B through Y inclusive. And it wasn't entirely drab; I noted, for instance, that the Indiana toll road is called, with disarming simplicity, the Indiana Toll Road. None of this Harold T. Representative Statesborough Turnpike stuff. And there are a couple of Travel Plazas on the Indiana where McDonald's and Dairy Queen share space; interestingly, they have rejiggered their menus so as to avoid any overlap of products other than soft drinks. So Mickey D will sell you no ice cream or shakes; DQ has no burgers or fries. (For those keeping score, I had a DQ pork-BBQ sandwich, a bag of Fritos and a 21-ounce Coca-Cola, which translates into a $4.40 combo meal.)

The really hellish part of the trip, though, came on the free roads, which covered the other half of the day. It is said that it only takes one car to screw up traffic for five miles; if that be true, there were a minimum of fourteen screw-ups between Gary, Indiana and Lake County (north of Chicago), Illinois, a distance of seventy miles which took three hours despite the fact that I missed not one exit or lane change. The radio guys, presumably used to this sort of thing, dubbed it "brutal", which is scary.

And speaking of the radio guys, a salute to WDRV ("The Drive") in Chicago, the only station I've ever heard with the gumption to play both Don Henley's "Dirty Laundry" and the McCoys' "Hang On Sloopy" and the latter in its 3:45 stereo mix, at that.

Toll report: Ohio Turnpike $6.10; Indiana Toll Road $4.15; total today $10.25; total so far $27.70.

Saturday, 20 July 2002, 5:25 pm

Coralville, Iowa 3895.8 miles

A lot has happened since yesterday. I noticed that there was a vague smell in the hotel room, which was disguised only partially by one of those Renuzit plug-in contraptions. It became increasingly less vague. By about 11 pm, the floor was soaked. Evidently the drain for the air-conditioning unit was blocked, and the water went the only place it could. The staff had apparently never heard of such a thing before, but were happy to move me to the next room, which was dry and devoid of odd odors. It would also be nice if they could figure out what is and what isn't a local call; their idiot computer wanted to bill me for $145 in long distance because I dialed all ten digits including the area code, despite the fact that dialing only seven digits gets one of those three-tone earbreakers and no actual connection. A pox on these cheap PBX systems.

Of course, the reason I was around this area in the first place was to see what was literally my first place. My birth certificate reports that I popped up in 1953 in "Rural Shields Township", Illinois, which is true but imprecise. Shields Township, which isn't on your map, or on mine anyway, includes various areas of Lake County, one of which is the Great Lakes Naval Training Station, at whose facilities I was actually born. I didn't want to go prowling through the base, what with a war on and all that, but I did steer myself towards Waukegan in search of 549 May Street, where the parental units were living in 1953.

It was easier to find than I'd expected. The neighborhood, on Waukegan's south side, appears to be largely African-American these days a street named for Martin Luther King Jr. intersects May just east of this block but probably hasn't changed a whole lot otherwise in fifty years. The house itself is two stories, and I suspect the newlyweds (well, comparatively so) were occupying the upper floor back then. The exterior bristles with window-mounted air-conditioning units. An arrow hangs on the chain-link fence surrounding the front yard: May is one-way east. I stopped long enough to squeeze off a couple of outside shots and headed back northward, eventually ending up in Kenosha, Wisconsin, mainly so I could add one more state to my "Been there, seen some of it" list.

Getting back into Illinois proved to be tricky; I-43 ends in Beloit, Wisconsin, and there's no direct, or even semi-direct, route to picking up I-39/90, which magically appears on the Illinois side. I opted to ignore as much of it as I could and took Illinois 2 southwest from Rockford, which runs alongside the Rock River and is as nifty a road I've seen in the Midwest; it's not as hilly as that Kentucky stuff, but it has enough curves to keep a driver busy. Route 2 runs through some nifty towns, too, including Dixon, the boyhood home of Ronald Reagan, which is busy improving some main arteries. Dixon, in fact, struck me as a lot like Reagan himself: what you see is pretty much what you get. A few miles farther down the road in Sterling, a high-school track team was looking for cars to wash to raise money for their trip to Omaha; quite apart from the sixteen-year-old-girls-in-swimsuits angle, I figured disposing of four thousand miles' worth of accumulated grunge was easily worth twenty bucks especially since the automated wash at the Marathon station in Ohio didn't do much more than move it around.

Which brings me, finally, to Iowa, for basically the same reason I went to Wisconsin. The Iowa City/Coralville Convention and Visitors Bureau contends that it's "like Athens except with a really big mall". I wonder how the Parthenon looks with a drive-thru.

Toll report: Some Illinois tollway, 55 cents; total so far $28.25.

Sunday, 21 July 2002, 8:15 pm

Independence, Missouri 4198.3 miles

I'm not sure where Dylan's Desolation Row is, but I-35 between Des Moines and the outer suburbs of Kansas City is pretty desolate in its own right; it's like all the farmers were given Federal subsidies to get as far away from it as possible. I hadn't been having much trouble staying awake on the road up to this point, but 35 brought on some major yawnage today, and it's probably a good thing that I don't have to look for lodging tonight.

So I'm crashing, so to speak, at my daughter's place, and the five of us (by which is meant my daughter and her child, my son and his wife, and yours truly) mounted an expedition to one of those cute semi-Mexican chain restaurants where it is assumed that because something is hotter, it must necessarily taste better. I don't buy into this notion as a rule, but this place did a decent job.

Monday, 22 July 2002, 3:15 pm

Still in Missouri

And on the last day, pancakes were consumed, errands were run, and maybe fences were mended.

I'll have the final report tomorrow after I get home.

Tuesday, 23 July 2002, 5:10 pm

Dustbury, Oklahoma 4575.0 miles

It is apparent that my children have far more sense than I do. Not that this takes a whole hell of a lot, but they seem to have their heads in the right place and their, um, stuff together. Rebecca is getting ready to move into a larger apartment and planning her vacation; Russell and Alicia are buying a neat older home on a lease-purchase deal. When I was this general age, my major concern was whether I would still be able to afford to buy beer after leaving the Armed Forces. As Pete Townshend once said, "The kids are alright."

So I'm about eighty miles from home, about the outer fringe of FM radio reception, trying not to notice the incredible variety of derelict vehicles dead in the breakdown lane, and the too-hip announcer at what used to be a soft-rock outlet is declaiming, "Finally, a radio station with the balls to play what you want to hear." Not in this market, Bucky. And especially not from Clear Channel, which has owned this 94.7 frequency for about five years and changes formats every two because they can't get more than a 4 share for anything they put on, and this "new rock" stuff, which is defined loosely as "no hair bands", isn't likely to be any different. The one upside here is that a couple of the workgroups behind mine are going to have to look for some other outlet for those same old Rumours-period Fleetwood Mac songs they seem to love so much.

Raw data from the World Tour 2002:

Total amount of fuel used, in gallons: 154.4
Fuel consumption, in miles per gallon: 29.6
Worst tank, in mpg: 27.7
Best tank, in mpg: 31.5
Fastest speed attained, in miles per hour: 86
Number of emails waiting: 268
Number of which I actually have some reason to read: 49

Final toll report: Kansas Turnpike $4.75; grand total $33.00.

And shout-outs to a favored few:

Randye and Janis, who put together a formidable party package
Nadine, who helped to keep it from unraveling
Susanna, who does lunch like no other
Holly, who looked after the place in my absence
V., for whom no words will suffice (though I can think of three)

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled bloggage.

>Comment from Timekeeper:
We now return you to your regularly-scheduled bloggage.

And there was much rejoicing, :)

Glad to have you back. I'll have something to read while *I* slack off for a while.

>Comment from Chaz:
As Bob knows, slack is a boon unto mankind. Enjoy your keyboard-free existence. :)

>Comment from DavidMSC:
Welcome home, Charles! Glad your trip was successful. My mileage per gallon was not as boast-worthy of yours, but I'm just happy that my journey is complete now!

>Comment from Chaz:
The road is long, with many a winding turn; sometimes the best part of the trip is knowing you don't have to get in the car again the next day.

I said "sometimes". :)

Tuesday, 23 July 2002, 8:30 pm

Courtesy of Jim Henley, a quite-reasonable (sort of) list of One Hundred Records You Should Remove From Your Collection Immediately. Which leads to the obvious question: do I strut and preen because I own only eleven of them, or do I slide into despair because I actually own eleven of them?

Wednesday, 24 July 2002, 9:00 am

The Oklahoma State Department of Health has decreed (link requires Adobe Acrobat Reader) that as of the first of July, restaurants in Soonerland which seat 50 or more customers may not have separate smoking and non-smoking sections unless the sections have totally separate ventilation systems; it's okay to have a completely smoke-free eatery, or one which caters only to smokers, but if you want customers from both camps, you're going to have to spend some money on ductwork. The rules were not scheduled to be enforced until August, but a Creek County judge has now ruled that the Health Department exceeded its authority by issuing them and has enjoined the Department from enforcing them until further notice. The judge then promptly went on vacation for two weeks. The Oklahoma Restaurant Association was thrilled; the Health Department said they would appeal.

Curiously, the news site carrying this story a joint venture of KWTV and The Daily Oklahoman has stuffed it into the ongoing "OKC Bombing" archives. There's a joke in there somewhere, I'm sure.

Wednesday, 24 July 2002, 11:00 am

In the absence of actual Borg, I have to assume that the hive-mind mentality is voluntary. On the right, knee-jerk responses are usually easily traceable (about evenly split between Milton Friedman and Leviticus, in my experience), but where does the left come up with their stuff? Now I know.

Wednesday, 24 July 2002, 7:00 pm

A bit more than twenty years ago, I bought a Curtis Mathes 19-inch (measured diagonally, of course) television set for the lofty sum of $500, having heard from Those Who Know that the preposterous Curtis Mathes slogan, "The most expensive television in America, and darn well worth it," was fully justified.

I'm here to tell you that, at the time anyway, it was. A big, heavy box of sturdy parts, it kept right on working into the next millennium without complaint. But the set was way out of date: it lacked a remote, it had no inputs other than RF, it wasn't even cable-ready. Even the best electronic components are affected by aging. And after looking at hotel sets for two weeks, which even in their usual horrid state of misadjustment were producing better-looking pictures than I'd been seeing lately, I decided to spring for a new TV. The old set was donated to Goodwill, which presumably will find it a home. The new box is a 20-inch (measured diagonally, of course) Sony WEGA, just about the most expensive television of its size in the store, and, I hope, darn well worth it.

>Comment from okuturn:
You're gonna love the WEGA screen. I've got some friends who have one and it is a very nice tube. Well worth it. If it just wasn't so expensive for the larger boy I'd have one myself.

>Comment from Chaz:
Swell. Now all I have to do is figure out all these arcane settings like "Velocity Modulation" and such.

Thursday, 25 July 2002, 11:00 am

It's called the Rockin' Ribfest, and it happens every July in Minneapolis at the behest of Rainbow Foods. There's entertainment, there's sunshine, and there are ribs. Lots of ribs. This latter apparently bothers Lori Peterson, who signed up as a vendor to push her animal-abuse video, which ostensibly shows people "the truth behind who they're eating." Unfortunately for Peterson, she's parked right next to a (duh) BBQ truck. Naturally, she's complaining.

I can't wait to see what Lileks has to say about this. It might go something like this:

"I don't feel it is my God-given right to shine my boots on the hindquarters of any handy quadruped, just because I'm bigger and can speak in complex sentences. But just because something is alive does not mean it is my equal, or that it deserves my respect. When I see a silverfish scuttling across the basement floor, 'Hail, Comrade' is not the first thought that comes to mind. I don't let mosquitoes land on my arm, tap a vein, and bloat themselves until they stagger off like winged tennis balls; I kill them, I curse them, and smile when I do so. Sometimes I swat flies just because.
"Ah, well, you say, those are insects. They don't count. Really? Why not? Isn't everything that lives entitled to equal treatment? Who are we to say that Beethoven was greater than the mold on his cheese?"

It's somehow gratifying to know that everyone's favorite Übercolumnist has had over a decade of practice at this art.

Thursday, 25 July 2002, 4:30 pm

Has the dome been saved? Maybe. Bank One, owner of Oklahoma City's geodesic dome, the world's third-largest structure of its type, has announced an agreement to sell the building to a group headed by a local optometrist, which presumably means that plans to demolish it have been shelved. The local preservationist group is cautiously optimistic, in my view a reasonable response.

It could have been a lot worse. It's not hard to imagine a scenario in which the city, or perhaps the state, would have forced Bank One's hand by waving around eminent-domain threats. To their credit, they didn't.

Friday, 26 July 2002, 10:30 am

Columnist Carlos Guerra in the San Antonio Express-News argues that teachers in Texas are bailing out of the profession in droves because of low pay, leaving school districts in the lurch and implying some sort of Clockwork Orange-like future for the Lone Star State. Similar arguments are routinely made in Oklahoma, which pays teachers even less than Texas does.

San Antonio blogger Mark Harden demurs. Money is an issue, but hardly the issue; what teachers in the trenches want, says Harden, is "better student behavior and more parental support."

(Muchas gracias: Joanne Jacobs.)

>Comment from Vickie C.:
I'll respond here regarding Harden's commentaries since his 'enetation' comment screen won't pop up for me. Herewith one of Harden's paragraphs regarding teacher employment:

--> Guerra regards it as "shameful" that 26% of teachers work second jobs. The SHSU report indicates that "teachers average 13.2 hours of work per week at home". Let's see, that's 53.2 hours per week. When in the world are they finding time to moonlight? On the weekends? Neither Guerra nor the SHSU report define these "second jobs", but it would seem more likely that these "second jobs" are the summer jobs that almost every teacher I have known work at instead of lazing around the pool all summer. "Shameful"? Hardworking, rather, and honorable, in my opinion. <--

The teacher blood in me is boiling at its maximum teacher-color red at Harden's innuendo and snide remarks regarding teacher pay, implying in other paragraphs that we "cannot forget teachers ONLY WORK 9 months a year and get three months off." At least he had the courage to note that teachers are only PAID for nine months of work. Small consolation. My argument is with the constant wailing and gnashing of John Q. Public's teeth that, as seen from his comments above, teachers who laze around the pool all summer are something less than honorable and industrious. It appears somewhat less than disingenuous of Mr. Harden to imply that actually ENJOYING ones time off equates slothfulness. To Mr. Harden I would offer my time-worn philosophy: "It's a free country, baby. Anyone could have chosen to be a teacher. Don't get ugly with those of us who did and who put up with far more than you could ever know." P.S. The water's wonderful.

>Comment from Chaz:
I enjoy what time I have off far more than the time I spent in ostensibly gainful (or is that painful?) employment.

Friday, 26 July 2002, 2:15 pm

The Development of Al Gore, Statesman, Version 0.0002: The guy who finished second in the last Presidential race would like to know "why we would be publicly blustering and announcing an invasion [of Iraq] a year or two years in advance," despite the fact that he claims to support just such an invasion. This is the sort of thing that explains why he finished second.

Saturday, 27 July 2002, 9:50 am

An early casualty in the death of the music industry: CD Warehouse, a 250-store chain based in Oklahoma City, is filing Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

The Big Five record companies are probably secretly happy with this development, since CD Warehouse commits the grievous sin of accepting used CDs for trade and resale, which runs counter to the industry's dream of getting a check from everyone who happens to be in the same room when a CD is playing and a second check if it's in the car.

I don't expect any real domino effect here. In my part of the world, CD Warehouse is ostensibly the dominant retailer, but "dominant retailer" doesn't mean what it used to; there are so many alternate channels of distribution (the Net, Best Buy, even, yes it is true, Wal-Mart) now that I, for one, seldom set foot in the place.

Saturday, 27 July 2002, 10:30 am

Snarky Quote of the Day: Ben Domenech on upcoming changes in the, um, Bartlet administration:

"Rob Lowe is leaving the leftist fantasy show The West Wing as of next season. He's angry that he's only getting paid $75,000 an episode. In keeping with the level of accuracy for the rest of the show, I suggest Lowe's character (deputy communications director Sam Seaborn) gets replaced by a transgendered Saudi Communist named Biff."


Saturday, 27 July 2002, 12:45 pm

Enron, Global Crossing, Worldcom... Michael Jackson?

Apparently it's within the realm of possibility. The off-the-wall entertainer is showing some distinctly dangerous numbers on his balance sheet these days; one or two more bits of bad news and his whole empire is history. (As far as I'm concerned, he's out of my life, and has been ever since Thriller.)

>Comment from DavidMSC:
He won't stop until he DOESN'T have enough, but you must admit that his careening so close to failure is quite a thriller, and the way he makes me feel is somewhat bad.

Damn...I tried to make it through this comment without punning on his songs...

>Comment from Chaz:
It's irresistible. Entertainment Weekly reviewed Jacko's latest album under the headline: "Thriller, or Bad?"

Saturday, 27 July 2002, 7:20 pm

I'm sitting in Spencer's Bar-B-Q (slogan: "You Might Beat My Prices, But You Can't Beat My Meat"), waiting for my Number 8 with extra roll and trying not to pay attention to the Beyoncé Knowles lookalike in line, when the Spectre of Dread, far too frequent a visitor, decides to drop in and give me the chills. I've dealt with this character before, and the pattern is fairly standard: he struts, I fret, an hour or so is staged, and eventually he goes off to torment someone else.

I wasn't sure what prompted this particular visit, though, until I thumbed through the mail and found an answer in an unexpected place: the Playboy Interview, this time with Oracle boss Larry Ellison, who was quoting Winston Churchill, describing the British army as "lions led by donkeys." A lion I am not; but day after tomorrow, I must once again go back to the demeaning and discouraging life of dealing with jackasses. Now that's what I call dread.

>Comment from DavidMSC:
JACKASS: One of my all-time favorite words to describe complete & utter morons, idiots, jerks, and otherwise useless human beings. Whenever I use it while driving to describe a fellow traveler who has broken a rule, my daughter yells, "There goes the j-word!"

>Comment from Chaz:
I'd say that sums it up far too well. :)

Sunday, 28 July 2002, 9:55 am

I didn't doubt for a minute that Laurence Simon would be able to complete the Blogathon in fine fettle; the man seems to have so much manic energy I'm surprised he doesn't blog 24 hours a day every day. But now the Blogathon is done, Amish Tech Support is presumably on hold for a while, and as one of Simon's dozens of sponsors, I've got a (slightly larger than promised) check to write to his chosen charity. Good going, Lair.

>Comment from Laurence Simon:
no rest for the weary... i'm only a little quiet so far today because the Oddly Enough feeds haven't kicked off. It's practically the only product Reuters doesn't use to call for the death of Israel. ;)

>Comment from Chaz:
Don't remind them; they'll send it in for regrooving, and G-d knows what they'll come up with in the process.

Sunday, 28 July 2002, 11:40 am

"His middle name is Danger," says the plug at the Austin Powers site. "What's yours?"

Forgetting for the moment that fabled detective who spells his last name "Danger", I duly inquired, and was told: "Gallant". The following explanation was attached:

"Ever one to know the rules of polite society, you are always there to open the door, ever ready with a handkerchief in sad movies, or providing a coat if your date is cold. Friends and associates think you charming and unbelievably smooth."

Actually, I always felt much more the Goofus type than the Gallant, but I'll take your word for it. (Muchas gracias: the ever-audacious Sulizano.)

>Comment from DavidMSC:
Goofus & Gallant -- hee hee! But for some reason, the damn "Timbertoes" always freaked me out.

And when I was a wee lad, I thought the subtitle for the magazine was "Fun With A Porpoise." Seriously.

Sunday, 28 July 2002, 7:10 pm

Jeff Jarvis wonders why any news organization bothers to cover the Pope:

"He says only the obvious. He is never questioned. No other religious leader gets this kind of coverage. No other major news figure gets by without ever being questioned. And now, especially, there are lots of questions for the guy. This is kneejerk coverage."

Well, genuflection, at least.

>Comment from Paulsmos:
Anti-Catholic rhetoric is so boring.

Monday, 29 July 2002, 3:00 am

We should be so lucky here in the States: an Australian Federal Court has ruled that a Sydney man's modifications to PlayStation units, including removal of regional coding, do not violate the Copyright Act in Oz. The guy didn't get off scot-free selling unauthorized copies of PlayStation games, which he also did, is still actionable but this is clearly a shot across Sony's bow, one that's long overdue.

Monday, 29 July 2002, 5:40 pm

I wouldn't have thought it possible, especially here in the Land of Deadass Lassitude, but the I-40 bridge over the Arkansas River near Webbers Falls, which collapsed on the 26th of May after a collision with a barge, is open once again, about four months faster than I expected and more than a week ahead of the contractor's seemingly-unrealistic deadline.

Now comes the hard part: repairing the detour roads, which were rather badly damaged by the increased traffic.

Tuesday, 30 July 2002, 7:30 am

Back at the old stand, and the usually dizzying mixture half zany, half delusional still holds sway. I did notice that my telephone was replaced in my absence by one a bit more retro in its styling, although it didn't occur to them to get me an actual rotary phone. (I have one at home and wouldn't mind seeing it used here, if only because the weight of the handset discourages long conversations.)

But other than that, much is as it was. More's the pity.

Tuesday, 30 July 2002, 3:30 pm

Oh, this is too much. And I couldn't possibly tell you about it more eloquently than The Dodd does:

Ordinarily, I would not approvingly mention a denial-of-service attack on a web site. Ordinarily, I would call the perpetrators all kinds of nasty names. But then again, while I would not ordinarily approve of wholesale destruction of private property as a means of protest, I nonetheless have a pretty high opinion of the Boston Tea Party. So, when I saw that the Recording Industry Association of America's web site had been disabled by just the kind of attack they're asking Congress to allow them to legally do to peer-to-peer file sharing networks, I found it easy to make an exception.

Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of thieving weasels.

Wednesday, 31 July 2002, 4:30 pm

Every year a health-insurance provider sends word that premia will rise substantially, and every year the throne room at 42nd and Treadmill goes into a feverish search for someone anyone who won't cost so much. It has manifestly never dawned on any of these poor overheated souls that insurers will happily lowball a quote for a year with the expectation of making up the difference thereafter. So off they go chasing after illusory bargains, much the way T. Arvin Cheapskate will go through seven or eight dozen AOL install disks in an effort to extend his free trial to infinity and beyond.

In an effort to be as helpful as possible, I pointed out that perhaps the reason premiums were rising so quickly was that working here actually makes people sick, and offered myself as Exhibit C. Laughter followed the expected distribution pattern. What I did not get in response, of course, is an answer to the one Burning Question that inevitably comes up at moments like this:

Would it be so hard, so contrary to conventional wisdom, so much a threat to the Republic, to just cut me a check and let me buy my own damn health care?


 | Copyright © 2002 by Charles G. Hill