Archive for Rule 5

Zooeypalooza 9!

We’ve gone too long without one of these, wouldn’t you say?

Zooeypalooza 8!

Embiggenment of individual photos can be had with a click.

Previous Paloozas: ZP 1, ZP 2, ZP 3, ZP 4, ZP 5, ZP 6, ZP 7, and ZP 8.

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And it’s not even Wednesday

Christina Ricci is thirty years old today, which means that all that Addams Family stuff is more than half a lifetime ago.

Besides, she’s long since developed a look of her own, deployed here at the 2009 premiere of Brüno:

Christina Ricci at the Bruno premiere 2009

Still, some of that wicked ingenuity that served her well in the house of Gomez and Morticia was there from the very beginning:

When her elementary school held auditions for The Twelve Days of Christmas, Ricci was in danger of losing the lead to another kid. So she hatched a plot only slightly more diabolical than the one she would later act out in The Opposite of Sex. Ricci taunted her rival so much that he socked her. When she tattled, he lost the part.

Clearly this is a woman with whom one does not mess.

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From the How Could I Not? files

First, there’s the name: Abi Titmuss. Just made for Rule 5. She turns 35 today; over the years, she’s been a nurse, a glamour model, a television presenter, and an actress, though maybe not a baker:

Abi Titmuss at the oven

Oh, by the way, it’s short for “Abigail.” And I’m throwing in this quote from her official blog:

I play a lesbian home wrecker who dabbles with the ouija board.. typecast again!!

I am so not going there.

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Top side of the Moon

Thursday’s shoe post gave you a look at Moon Bloodgood from there down. It occurs to me that you might want to see what else she was wearing at the time, the time being the 2007 AZN Asian Excellence Awards, and so:

Moon Bloodgood at the 2007 AZN Asian Excellence Awards

Moon’s mom was (South) Korean; her dad was stationed over there, and, well, you know the rest.

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Busy, busy, Busy

Billy De Wolfe, who died in 1974, never met Busy Philipps, who was born in 1979, but I suspect he wouldn’t be able to avoid the catchphrase that became associated with his name, had he ever seen her:

Busy Philipps

Incidentally, Busy has a daughter named Birdie, who’s two and a half.

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Vixens wanted

Costa Tsiokos (who, incidentally, says he’s getting out of blogging) tweeted this yesterday:

oh brunette vixen on those “Fairly Legal” subway ads, you do tempt me to actually tune in to the show. Almost.

I replied at the time:

She has a certain visual (maybe even visceral) charm.

The lady in question is Aahoo Jahansouz Shahi, though you can call her Sarah:

Sarah Shahi in Fairly Legal

Shahi’s character works in her father’s BigLaw firm, though she has resigned from the bar and become a mediator instead.

I don’t know if this is the exact poster CT saw, but it has a certain charm.

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The Maltese walkin’

Minka Kelly, walking the dog:

Minka Kelly walking the dog

Compare to, for instance, Rufus Thomas.

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If I knew what she wants

The aforementioned granddaughter will be wicked cute, of course — all my descendants, for some reason, are substantially better-looking than I am, which I assume is a genetic present from my ex-wife — but it will be at least 18 21 25 [oh, never mind] years before she’s ready for anything Rule 5-ish, and I’d be squeamish about it anyway.

So we bring up someone else with eye appeal born on the 17th of January, and not the obvious (from this vantage point, anyway) someone else, either. You’re looking at a section of the cover of the Bangles’ 1984 album All Over the Place, a year before they started getting major hits; the lady in the flimsy chair is the then-25-year-old Susanna Hoffs.

Susanna Hoffs circa 1984

Which means she’s 52 on this particular manic Monday. Seems impossible, doesn’t it?

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Not at all bogged down

Amanda Peet turns thirty-nine today, and still looks like this:

Amanda Peet

In addition to her task here — making you not notice the sofa — she’s the, um, celebrity spokesperson for an outfit called Every Child By Two, which advocates for the immunization of infants. Sort of the un-Jenny McCarthy, if you will.

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Perhaps she’ll have a Spanish guitar

Fark blurb:  Toni Braxton might unwear her dress for Playboy.

She tweets:

New Year, New opportunities. So I have been considering taking up Playboy’s offer to feature me on their cover this year. What you think?

Well …

Toni Braxton circa 2009

You won’t see me complain, although I’m pretty sure Hef isn’t running out of twentysomethings just yet. (Besides, it’s just a cover; it’s not a pictorial, fercryingoutloud.) And anyway, she could use a few extra bucks right about now.

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So much for that Teenage Witch business

Melissa Joan Hart, the live-action Sabrina for seven seasons, is now thirty-four. Still has a certain, um, magical appeal, though:

Melissa Joan Hart

She and hubby Mark Wilkerson have been together seven years; they have two boys. (This is consistent with Robert Stacy McCain’s contention: “It is vitally important that beautiful people have babies, because otherwise the human race would become progressively uglier with each succeeding generation.”)

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Speaking of Sasha

We mentioned Sasha Vujacic in a post about last night’s Nets-Thunder game; he was the only New Jersey player to score the long ball. Far be it from me to make some rude comment about scoring, but here’s a look at Sasha’s fiancée:

Maria Shaparova

You’re looking at tennis star Maria Sharapova, seen here in civilian wear at the 2007 ESPYs. She and Vujacic started dating in 2009, and, well, he is called “The Machine.”

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Zooeypalooza 8!

Okay, just one more before the end of the year.

Zooeypalooza 8!

You may be able to get larger versions of some of these with a simple click.

Previously seen: ZP 1, ZP 2, ZP 3, ZP 4, ZP 5, ZP 6, and ZP 7.

Disclosure: One of these outfits you’ve seen before, but in a different shot.

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Not exactly stocking stuffers

At least, it doesn’t appear that hosiery is a factor in this photograph.

Still, Jessica and Lisa Origliasso, hereinafter referred to, slightly inaccurately, as The Veronicas, have impeccable Christmas credentials, having been born on the 25th of December. (If you must: 1984.)

Jessica and Lisa Origiliasso

No, I don’t know which is which. (For awhile, Jessica went blonde, but that’s no help here.)

While the visuals are undoubtedly a major part of the package here, I admit to a certain fondness for some of their tunes. (“Untouched” proved to be a medium-level earworm for yours truly, before I’d ever actually set eyes on them.) Of course, what sealed the deal was the name:

Christian Slater: Greetings and salutations… you a Heather?
Winona Ryder: No, I’m a Veronica…

Of course, since we’re all about equal time around here, here’s a couple of Heathers (Ellie and Louise).

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Hardy perennial

Once again, the readers of Andrew Crossett’s Celebrity Legs Gallery have chosen Jennifer Aniston as their favorite: the former Friend has now won “Best Celebrity Legs” six times during the 14 years the poll has been operating.

Ms Aniston has been renowned for these gams for some time now — a search of “jennifer aniston legs” produces hundreds and hundreds of photographs — and she’s been a Rule 5 favorite since Robert Stacy McCain promulgated the rule nearly two years ago. Could she possibly be tired of this sort of recognition? Perhaps. I would not be surprised to hear that she’d rather be remembered for something else entirely.

Read the rest of this entry »

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They can’t say we never tried

There’s never a bad reason to put up a picture of Angie Harmon, and the fact that she turned up at the nominations for the Screen Actors Guild awards Thursday is way good enough:

Angie Harmon at the Screen Actors Guild nominations 2010

From here up, that dress is fabulous. But what the heck is this?

Detail of dress worn by Angie Harmon

Jessica of GFY calls it “modesty foliage,” and says:

I can’t help but think how AWESOME this dress would be if the skirt were plain black.

Yea, verily.

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First Stahl to the left

There exists a poster of some sort, popular in right-of-center circles, which argues something to the effect that Our Babes are more babelicious, or something, than Their Babes.

I’ve never quite bought into that particular premise, though I’m willing to entertain theories why it might be so, or not so. At the moment, I’m leaning toward P. J. O’Rourke’s argument (in Parliament of Whores), quoted here:

[T]here were hardly any beautiful women at the [Housing Now!] rally. I saw a journalist friend of mine in the Mall, and he and I pursued this line of inquiry as assiduously as our happy private lives allow. Practically every female at the march was a bowser. “We’re not being sexist here,” my friend insisted. “It’s not that looks matter per se. It’s just that beautiful women are always on the cutting edge of social trends. Remember how many beautiful women were in the anti-war movement twenty years ago? In the yoga classes fifteen years ago? At the discos ten years ago? On Wall Street five years ago? Where the beautiful women are is where the country is headed,” said my friend. “And this,” he looked around him, “isn’t it.”

That said, there are women associated with the left who are aging gracefully, thank you very much, and here’s one of them:

Lesley Stahl in 2008

This is 60 Minutes correspondent Lesley Stahl, at a New York confab shortly after the 2008 election, shortly before her 67th birthday. And without the blur filter turned on, either.

Addendum: On the other hand, Valley of the Shadow would rather see her sacked.

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Apparently they weren’t kidding

This young lady is indeed f*ing cute:

Model for Nozomi Sasaki, f-ing.com

(With thanks to EngrishFunny.)

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In lieu of actual news

The 24-hour news cycle seldom contains anywhere near 24 hours of news. The purveyors of such things, therefore, have calculated that to retain as many eyeballs as possible, they have to resort to things which are technically not news. This includes the early-evening pontificating gasbags, the semi-cute morning shows, and, as Roberta X discovers, just a hint of fanservice:

I returned to full consciousness in time to have my eyeballs tugged out by a push-zoom from a handheld camera moving from the “anchor” (a leaden thing that was preventing motion) to a diminutive meteorologist; this move was followed up by the same handheld staggering across the set to end in a shot of the weatherlady from a vantage at least a foot and a half higher than the top of her head — a shot they held she proceeded to relate the weather with the usual Ritual Gesturing, accompanied by a disconcerting amount of cleavage. I’m not at all sure what the point was — drawing in the male viewership, perhaps? — but as the overture to a headache, it worked all too well.

Now that was worth quoting just for the definition of “anchor.” Still, weird camera angles are part of the Total News Experience these days. I never stay up late enough to see Fox’s Red Eye, for instance, but screenshots inevitably reveal a lowish camera placement — and an attractive female in what is known as the “leg chair.” Tamara Holder occupies that position in this shot:

Tamara Holder on Red Eye

Nor, as Jamie Colby illustrates, is this technique confined to fringe-time shows:

Jamie Colby on Fox News

Or, for that matter, to Fox. See, for instance, CNN’s Brianna Keiler and Jacqui Jeras:

Brianna Keiler and Jacqui Jeras on CNN

We may say that we’d rather get the news from some grizzled Chet Huntley type. In some cases, it might even be true. But cable news apparently can’t afford to take that chance.

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Still sort of nine-ish

Bo Derek was twenty-two when she was frustrating Dudley Moore in 10. (Actually, the number used to describe her character in that film was eleven, which just goes to show you how women turn some of us into veritable Nigel Tufnels.)

But now Bo is fifty-four, and…

Bo Derek November 2010

“A stunning combination of good genes and good surgeons,” says one observer.

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A date which will live

I find myself inordinately fond of Sara Bareilles’ single “King of Anything” these days, and since December 7th is her birthday (she’s thirty-one), I’m up for a photo or two — two because, well, I couldn’t decide which of these to leave behind.

This is the cover photo for the “King of Anything” single:

Sara Bareilles

And this, um, isn’t:

Sara Bareilles

I suppose it would be reasonable to ask who died and left me in charge of the pictures.

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As long as I’m whining

A couple of posts ago, I made some noise about 26-year-old women and how I couldn’t possibly be on their radar. There are, of course, very good reasons for that, and anyway Creepy Old Guy Mode is not really what I aspire to.

Just the same, I’m going to torture myself with a visual:

Mandy Moore on the Tonight Show

This is singer/actress Mandy Moore, born in, yes, 1984. (Judging by the Tonight Show set, this is a 2008 screen shot.) I have a duplicate of this file in C:\NOWAY\NOTEVER.

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Alt text

I have just a smidgen of difficulty with the idea that Carol Alt, fresh face of the Eighties, is now 50 years old.

Then again, 50 is the new [pick an integer from, oh, 29 to 47]:

Carol Alt, 2008

This particular shot dates to 2008. And speaking of dates, Alt is romantically linked to Alexei Yashin, who used to play center for the New York Islanders and who still lives on Lawn Guyland, despite currently playing for a team in St. Petersburg, and I don’t mean Florida.

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The Hennessy Two

(Not to be confused with the Tennessee Two, Luther Perkins and Marshall Grant, who backed up Johnny Cash on early hits like “Hey Porter.”)

This is Jacqueline Hennessy, host of the Canadian cable program Medical Intelligence and associate editor of Chatelaine. (Which answers a long-standing question of mine: if you have a PhD in French literature, what do you do for a living?) She’s 42 this year, as of, well, yesterday.

Jacqueline Hennessy

Also 42 this year, as of, well, yesterday, is Jill Hennessy, best known as the star of the TV series Crossing Jordan. She does not have a PhD in French literature.

Jill Hennessy

The most salient comment here, I think, comes from John B. Sebastian:

Did you ever have to make up your mind
To pick up on one and leave the other behind
It’s not often easy and not often kind
Did you ever have to make up your mind

Not that I have any choice in the matter, of course.

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One of those California gurls

So I gave myself an assignment for Rule 5 this week: a picture of Katy Perry that does not remind me of Zooey Deschanel, since, you know, they look so much alike and all.

This seems to fill the bill quite nicely:

Katy Perry

Although if Zooey wants to wear something this short, I’ll be happy to post a correction.

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Not available

News Item: [TMZ reported Tuesday] that Tony Parker had filed for divorce from Eva Longoria. But a rep for Eva tells TMZ that that is not true and that Tony doesn’t even have a divorce lawyer.

So Eva continues to be off the market. Not that this affects my plans in any way, except to give me an excuse to put up a picture:

Eva Longoria in 2008

This was, if I recall correctly, a publicity shot taken prior to the 2008-09 season of Desperate Housewives.

Note: I didn’t watch the TV coverage of the Spurs-Thunder game Sunday night — I followed it on the radio — so I have no idea if Eva was on hand to watch Tony lead all scorers with 24.

Update: Then again… (See Comments.)

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Discerning readers, I assume

I gave up reading Condé Nast Traveler several years ago, about the time it occurred to me that all the hotels I’ve ever stayed in, combined, might be hard-pressed to total five stars. So I didn’t participate in this year’s Readers’ Choice Awards, though it would have been nice to have attended the actual award ceremony, just to have caught a glimpse of Angie Harmon:

Angie Harmon at RCA

(Click to embiggen past all understanding.) That feathered sheath, from Naeem Khan’s Spring ’10 collection, is simply gorgeous; the shoes, I think, are by Sergio Rossi.

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Mine eyes gazeth over

“Rule 5″ popularizer (and five-million-hit recipient) Robert Stacy McCain, on why eye candy has been deemed Bad For Us:

Even as our culture has become increasingly sexualized, it has become increasingly taboo to acknowledge sexual differences. We are all supposed to be androgynously egalitarian in our attitudes, for to be otherwise is to discriminate, and everyone knows that discrimination is wrong.

To adapt a phrase from a Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, “You have to be carefully taught” such beliefs, and we have been taught quite carefully indeed. The de rigueur denunciation of sexism, like the de rigueur denunciation of racism, is a conditioned response, a Skinnerian reflex. Anyone who critically examines these reflexes — who disassembles them into their component parts and asks why we react this way — can expect to be indicted for these Deadly Sins of the Post-Christian Era merely for questioning the categories.

Or for mentioning that “discrimination” used to be a good word; your friendly neighborhood epicure, you could be sure, had discriminating tastes. Now you never hear it at all except in connection with someone’s grievances.

McCain opens his piece with a reference to Christine Craft, the Kansas City TV anchor who in 1981 was sacked for being, per the title of her book, “too old, too ugly, and not deferential to men.” Said I, back in 1997:

Not being the sort of person who speculates on a woman’s deference level, I paid little attention to that angle, but she struck me as neither old nor unattractive — not that either of those characteristics is essential to the task of reading wire copy.

But the task, as interpreted by her bosses at the station, wasn’t “reading wire copy”: it was drawing an audience, and ninety-something times out of a hundred, they’re going to prefer someone who looks like Halle Berry to someone who looks like Yogi Berra.

Ultimately, I suppose, this is a good argument for radio — or for print, if there’s any print left.

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Zooeypalooza 7!

It’s not like I’ve forgotten or anything.

Zooeypalooza 7!

Click any section to embiggen.

What has gone before: ZP 1, ZP 2, ZP 3, ZP 4, ZP 5, and ZP 6.

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Condigram

Once in a while, someone wanders in here looking for shots of former National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, and hey, who am I to turn him away?

Condi Rice on the Late Late Show

This was scissored out of a screenshot from Dr. Rice’s appearance on The Late Late Show last month; Craig Ferguson, obligingly, has uploaded the video. (Two parts, approximately 16 minutes.)

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