It’s like Pick Your Poison, only more so

I hate to go all ¿Quién es más macho? on you here, but Robert Stacy McCain has a list of preferred, um, mishaps to befall New York Times columnist David Brooks, and I’m trying to decide which of them is the worst:

  1. “wrapped in bacon and dumped into a tank full of hungry sharks”;
  2. “loaded aboard an Air Force C-130 and air-dropped over Afghanistan without a parachute”;
  3. “lashed to a tree in the Alaskan wilderness as wolf-bait”;
  4. “dumped naked into an alligator-infested swamp in the backwoods of Louisiana”.

Of this quartet, only #2 presents the possibility of not being eaten, unless Alaska is breeding vegan wolves these days.

Males beyond a certain age — based on my experience, I’d say six and a half years — are often given to such horrific musings. Jamie Kitman, in the July Automobile, describes one such scheme, as concocted by the magazine’s founder, the late David E. Davis Jr.:

After David’s death, a Facebook acquaintance wrote about Davis’s recent unkind comments about his one-time protégé, made on a weekly automotive webcast, in which he fantasized about a FedEx plane whose cargo doors accidentally open to drop a grand piano on a farm in central Michigan, leaving only a grease spot where our own — hell, his own — Jean Jennings once stood.

TTAC has a link to the original, though the video seems to have turned into a grease spot all by itself.



  1. LeeAnn »

    15 June 2011 · 10:18 am

    Sharks would be relatively quick, though meeting mother Earth so rapidly is the fastest. Alligators aren’t picky where they bite first. But I imagine wolves go for the soft dangly bits first. So for males, the wolf route would be much worse. Although the Alaskan cold might provide protective shrinkage, but probably not quite enough.
    I’ve thought about this way too much, haven’t I?

  2. fillyjonk »

    15 June 2011 · 1:14 pm

    I was gonna say, “It’s not always just guys who plan out these sorts of scenarios” but apparently LeeAnn kind of provided proof before I could say it.

    I will say I spend more time fantasizing about the horrible, crushing, utterly ironic yet somehow completely deserved social embarrassments that could befall the people who cross me, though, rather than their actual deaths. But then, usually the worst things that befall me is some kind of social embarrassment at the hands of those very people.

  3. McGehee »

    15 June 2011 · 1:50 pm

    Whereas to guys, social embarrassments tend to be regarded as survivable.

    Death is a little harder to come back from, unless you’re a character in a TV series or movie franchise.

  4. Dan B »

    17 June 2011 · 10:51 am

    I’ll take option 5:

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