The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

9 January 2004

Dennis gazes skyward

NEW ROME, OH (WATSO*): Democratic Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich today lashed out at the Bush administration's space-exploration proposals, calling them "ill-advised" and "unnecessarily bellicose."

"The very idea of going to Mars," said the former Ohio Congressman, "encapsulates everything that's wrong with George Bush. In the first place, it's a red planet. This is yet another example of the Bush administration's schemes to reward its friends and punish its enemies. There is no evidence that Karl Rove, or any of Bush's advisers, made the slightest effort to locate a blue planet for exploration."

Another problem, said Kucinich, is the nature of Mars itself. "It's the planet of war. How many times must we go through this? War, war, war. It's the only thing George Bush knows."

The Kucinich campaign has yet to release formally any alternative plan for space exploration, but the candidate hinted at some of the ideas he'd like to see in such a plan. "We're looking towards Venus, which is, after all, a planet of women, who have been cruelly underrepresented in the space program up to now, and then, perhaps in our second term, Vulcan, where war and hatred have been replaced by reason and logic. As Americans, we deserve no less."

*With apologies to Scott Ott

Posted at 10:50 AM to Bogus History , Political Science Fiction

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Welcome to the 69th edition of the Carnival of the Vanities. Hosting this bear has been quite a fun experience. As I received the entries piecemeal I was actually able to read all of them instead of cherry picking like I usually do. Some are great, som......[read more]

I'm for sending him back to his own home planet.

Posted by: McGehee at 12:51 PM on 9 January 2004

Knowing Dennis Kucinich as I do, I was more surprised to find that this came from Scrappleface as a satire and was not what he actually said.

Posted by: Vickie at 2:30 PM on 9 January 2004

Actually, this didn't come from Scrappleface; I wrote it myself. I just wanted to make sure that the Incredibly Clueless" had at least a passing chance of recognizing this item as being satirical, and, well, no one has a more colossal rep for blog satire than Scott Ott.

Posted by: CGHill at 2:40 PM on 9 January 2004

It's also interesting you chose New Rome as the location. It's an incorporated municipality that will soon cease to exist. Hmmm, much like Kucinich's candidacy.

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip at 7:11 PM on 9 January 2004

Sorry,,I noted the "Scott Ott" at the bottom too fast and didn't make the connection that it didn't come from him but was one of the "apologies to" entries.

I knew it was a satire; I was just commenting that it was actually surprising that Kucinich DIDN'T say those things.

Posted by: Vickie at 6:22 AM on 10 January 2004

He may yet. Give him a chance.

But there is no shortage of barking moonbats out there who assume that everything they find in a Google search must be true. And regrettably, I'm not in a position to sell them oceanfront property in Idaho.

Posted by: CGHill at 8:59 AM on 10 January 2004

As for New Rome, it's a place whose dubious history has fascinated me for some time. The townlet lies along Broad Street (US 40) west of Columbus, occupies only a few blocks, and until recently was a world-class speed trap and then some; it was apparently difficult to get through New Rome without getting a ticket. The state eventually abolished New Rome's "mayor's court," leaving the town with no reason to live.

Posted by: CGHill at 9:04 AM on 10 January 2004

Sorta like Valley Brook?

Posted by: Steve at 9:32 AM on 10 January 2004

Well, not exactly. Valley Brook has other sources of revenue surely the strip clubs are taxed.

Posted by: CGHill at 10:18 AM on 10 January 2004

Well, yeah. That's why I said "sorta". :)

Posted by: Steve at 10:40 AM on 10 January 2004

Charles, check out this website:

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip at 11:20 AM on 10 January 2004