The Finch Formerly Known As Gold

13 May 2003

No experience required

I thought I was picky, but get a whiff of this:

Age-wise, my lady should be between 27 and 35. She has to be located in West Los Angeles, even Manhattan Beach is fine. I'm sure the maple sugar farms in Vermont are very beautiful, but I'm staying right here, thank you. My lady absolutely, positively does not want kids, and needless to say she doesn't have any. She has to like cats, she doesn't have allergies, and she has to be naturally healthy.

These days, someone who doesn't have allergies might well be described as unnaturally healthy.

(West L.A. or Manhattan Beach? Marina del Rey is out?)

[S]he's 6 foot 3, and I'm a sucker for brown-eyed blondes with long hair. But red hair, brunets, and blue eyes are OK too. Here's where it gets interesting... my ideal lady has a nice sleek, flat little chest and a nicely rounded little poochy tummy! She is not skinny, she has long legs, and she likes to wear shoes that let her feet stand nice and flat on the ground the way nature intended. She doesn't wear jewelry or makeup, and she doesn't vandalize her body with tattoos.

Six foot three? In flats?

Then again, that would almost certainly guarantee long legs.

Last and most important, my ideal lady MUST be left handed, left handed, left handed!!! (This is the special request all the matchmakers refused to handle.) I'm not sure if this is a birds-of-a-feather thing or out-and-out fetish, but I just don't have any chemistry with right handed women because they don't know what it's like.

I'd say this guy has narrowed the field more than he can possibly imagine and I've quoted less than half his laundry list. (Besides, if I brought this up, all of you would bust out laughing.)

Posted at 3:11 PM to Table for One

TrackBack: 1:52 PM, 14 May 2003
This poor bastard is on a Wife Odyssey. Warning: He doesn't believe in kissing on the mouth. . .or anyplace else, you filthy perverts. (Hat......[read more]

Lets see, tall, sleek, flat chested, flat feet.. sounds like Olive Oil.

Posted by: Ravenwood at 3:59 PM on 13 May 2003

Well, that settles it. Bluto is never gonna give her up without a fight.

(You think maybe this guy has/had a fixation on Shelley Duvall?)

Posted by: CGHill at 4:22 PM on 13 May 2003

Only a virgin would have demands like these.

Posted by: Cam at 4:42 PM on 13 May 2003

Gee, and I thought I was being too restrictive with "someone to love and be loved".

I can't hold a candle to those you quoted.

Posted by: Steve at 6:10 PM on 13 May 2003

Are you sure he wasn't looking for a co-ed volleyball partner instead of a girlfriend? That Manhattan Beach part is the tip-off to me.

Posted by: Scott Chaffin at 7:06 PM on 13 May 2003

That wasn't a lonely-hearts ad. That was an order to Loveborgs, Inc.

Posted by: McGehee at 9:23 PM on 13 May 2003

This guy is SOOO going to spend his life alone! Doesn't kiss on the mouth? She must be satisfied with a belly rub??? Oh yeah, we'll be lining up for TAHT guy. And I thought the left-hander was going to be lonely...

Posted by: moogirl61 at 4:06 AM on 14 May 2003

Olive oil isn't blond and her eyes look black to me. I'm sure she likes to be kissed too, which is why Popeye occasionally gets a date w/her. And while I was initially inclined to agree with Scott, I never saw her play volleyball, so I'm thinking she's out.

I'm gonna have to go with moongirl61 on this one.

Posted by: Marc at 4:40 AM on 14 May 2003

A one-handed workout does seem to be in the future for this fellow.

Posted by: CGHill at 8:39 AM on 14 May 2003

One wonders if this site isn't just a joke?

Posted by: James Joyner at 1:45 PM on 14 May 2003

If it is, the guy's raised deadpan earnestness to a high (or at least medium) art form.

And I hope he's real, if only because it would prove that I don't occupy the top rung on the Ladder of Bathos.

Posted by: CGHill at 2:39 PM on 14 May 2003

Wow. This guy is totally off the dock. I wonder if someone that won't kiss on the mouth and finds oral sex "sick-making" would go solo either. And he's not going to find many women willing to give up kissing and oral sex. He's so got a belly fetish, and it's very clear his relationship with his mom is ... not healthy. Quite frankly, I find this guy frightening - sounds like a latent serial killer to me.

Posted by: susanna at 4:30 PM on 14 May 2003

Better latent than blatant, I always (well, sometimes) say.

And maybe it's time to reassess my perceived position on the repression scale.

Posted by: CGHill at 5:16 PM on 14 May 2003

Gee, most guys would be happy with a "deaf dumb and blind nymphomaniac who owns a liquer store"

after they hit 40 it is:


Posted by: alfredo stroessner at 6:56 PM on 14 May 2003

I'm picky. See above. :)

Posted by: CGHill at 12:24 PM on 15 May 2003