On the matter of interior decoration, now is the time for all good citizens to come to the aid of minimal good taste. Come with me now to interior decoration land to see what splendid amendments we could all propose.

Felonies:

1. Gold spackles in the ceiling;
2. Lime-green shag carpeting;
3. The dread green-and-purple tile combination in the john.

Hanging offenses:

1. Pictures of dogs playing poker;
2. Elvis on velvet (unless part of an overall kitsch theme);
3. Jesus on velvet.

Misdemeanors:

1. Kitchens done entirely in either harvest gold or avocado green;
2. Red-flock wallpaper;
3. Black walls;
4. The phrase "window treatment";
5. The colors ecru, mauve, and taupe.

Fines:

1. Paintings or statues of sleeping Mexicans;
2. Driftwood lamps;
3. Large, dead, painted fish on the wall;
4. Doilies;
5. Knotty pine;
6. Crocheted toilet-paper-roll covers;
7. Plastic vines on the ceiling of the rec room with little white Christmas lights in them;
8. Round waterbeds;
9. China statues of leprechauns under mushrooms;
10. Painted plaster crabs on wall;
11. Mirror frames with either bows or lace on them;
12. Decals on wall of naked ladies dancing around amid a lot of bubbles;
13. Plaster chicken followed by several plaster chicks on lawn (though all other forms of bad taste on lawn, except those already covered by law, shall be exempt: shrines to Virgin Mary in upended bathtubs on lawn to be encouraged on grounds of charming cultural eccentricity);
14. Blue mirror on dining room table with wax fruit on top;
15. Statues of ladies with clocks in their navels;
16. Statues of naked cherubs (including fountains where the water comes out of the wee-wee);
17. The dread pink-and-black tile combination in the john;
18. Mirrors on ceiling;
19. Brooms with dolls on them so the doll's skirt covers the straw part of the broom;
20. Curtains with scallops and fringes;
21. Much more.

Molly Ivins, Nothin' but Good Times Ahead
Originally published in the Dallas Times Herald, 17 May 1992
Copyright © 1993 by Molly Ivins. All rights reserved.

Posted 12 October 1997

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